Where the mind is without fear…

What do you do when you are completely out of ideas? Crib and cringe about writer’s block? Let your blog hibernate like I did for almost 2 months? Yeah! Or you could pick up a random tag from somewhere and write on it. Seriously, whoever invented these nice tags is a godsend for lazy bloggers like me. The one I am going to take today is IHM’s. To quote her in her own words…

So here’s a tag – Please list at least ten things you have ever wanted or done which your gender is not supposed to.

Before I start, I don’t subscribe to any of these stereotypes of gender and truly believe that no job is purely a woman’s or a man’s. Anyway, here we go!

1. I hate pink. I don’t understand why women love that colour so much. Reds and oranges are so much better, as are the more earthy brown shades.

2. I am crazy about bikes and cars. I don’t own any of the fancy ones, just an Activa. But, for me, performance, mileage, power…all these are important, if not more important that looks in a vehicle.

3. I love watching cricket. I am an armchair critic. Since I hate physical activity of any sort and wouldn’t move my backside for sport, I don’t play it. But watching…love it!

4. I am passionate about politics. I have my opinions. I study politics (both the international and the local variety) with a detached interest. I truly believe it gives people an insight into human psychology.

5. I am a gadget-freak. Mobile phones, MP3 players, stereos, cameras…name it! I love it. Especially the cameras. I find the old point and shoot cameras too childish for me. I want a DSLR. In fact, some of my best photos were taken on an old analogue SLR in college. In black and white!

6. I don’t particularly love babies. Sure, I like naughty kids. But, the minute they start crying I lose patience! I’ll probably be a terrible mom or an impatient one at least!

7. I am incapable of feeling shy. Embarrassed yes. But shy? I don’t seem to know HOW!

8. In general, I find excessive jewellery irritating. I do buy accessories and stuff though. Just for weddings and the like.

9. When it comes to off-colour joke, I am neither embarrassed nor confused. I understand most of them, however subtle and sometimes people need to be careful around me to avoid random misinterpretation by me! In fact, friends watch their words and carefully complete sentences because they never know when I will erupt in laughter.

10. I am more tech-savvy and computer-literate than most men I know. Despite my obvious dislike for hardcore technology, I am quite adept at using it to suit my ends. In fact, I learnt XML just be to able to tweak my Blogger template.

So there! Ten random “guy facts” about me. I won’t tag anyone. If you are reading this, you know I’d like to know more about you!

Yeah…you read that right! The hunt begins. Actually, it began quite some time ago. I just haven’t gotten around to writing about it yet. Every month, the hunt goes something like this. Dad downloads an excel sheet with details of “boys” in it. Yeah! Once again, you read that right! Excel sheet. Easy to filter out you see? Tech-savvy IT professional that he is, he finds it the easiest way to weed out those he considers unsuitable for his darling daughter!

Before you ask me, caste criterion is already fulfilled. The list downloaded only contains details of Iyer/Iyengar/Madhwa Brahmin boys. Other castes are filtered at that stage. At this point, the excel sheet contains roughly 950 entries. The first filter to be applied is gothram. Don’t get me wrong. Not the gothram of those famed caste-based khap panchayat-ordered honour killings. This has something to do with which cowshed my ancestors belong to. Don’t ask me the logic. I fail to understand and will not argue the point. Frankly, it’s a waste of time. Anyways, to get back to the point, after filtering the inappropriate gothram, he is left with roughly 800 entries.

Next is age. Those younger than me and more than 5 years older are automatically disqualified. I am not a cradle-snatcher and don’t fancy younger men you see. And, the five-year limit is decided in consultation with parents for reasons ranging from financial to balding before I do! Again…waste of time to argue! This filter brings the number down further from 800 to roughly 550. Then comes income. While I am not a gold-digger and am not looking for someone with a six-figure monthly salary, the idea of not being able to afford my monthly beauty parlour pampering routine due to financial issues is rather off-putting! So, someone with appropriate salary levels is required. This filter narrows the choice from 550 to roughly 250.

At this point, you begin to think that finding a “suitable boy” is more difficult than going to the moon for a weekend away. But, it’s not over yet! Appropriate salary levels do not guarantee education. And most men are put off by my multiple postgraduate degrees, or intimidated by it. You see, not everyone is jobless enough to do the same thing twice! For a man to be ok with my education, he himself must have been jobless enough to take up graduate study at least once in this life, if not twice. This filter reduces the sample size from 250 to roughly 200. That’s not bad actually, given that an MBA is rather easy to get nowadays and people seem to think of it as an essential rather than as an added qualification. So far so good!

If you are thinking that it shouldn’t be difficult for me to find one of 200 people, wait till you hear the rest. At 5 feet and 9 inches, I tower over most Indian men. This implies than only men who are taller than 5’9” are eligible. This is where most of the filtering occurs. The sample size that was previously a decent 200 comes down to a rather difficult-to-choose-from 40. Of the 40 left, Dad allows me to look at each of the individual profiles to decide if they must call. Now, I must admit I have expectations that are not easy to match. To know more, you should probably click to read this! While that post was a bit of an exaggeration, it’s true that my expectations are quite high! This translates to 3 shortlisted candidates out of 40. 5 if it’s a particularly good month. Of the 3, one only wants a Vadama Iyer, another wants his wife to quit her job after marriage and the third has just found a soulmate 30 seconds before mom’s call! So…that leaves me with zero!

This drama repeats month after month. Sometimes, twice in the last year, there is one soul who is brave enough to actually agree to meet me! Heaven help him! Any wonder then that a year on, I am still single? Mom says there is an “Aayirathil Oruvan” waiting somewhere for me. I am thinking it’s closer to being roughly 1: 10826!

There are a few things that irritate me. And then there are those that infuriate. Finally, there are things that do both. This article managed precisely that: to infuriate and irritate, like scratching nails on a blackboard. You get my point? Yeah! Exactly!

Don’t get me wrong. I surely have problems with sexism; only, my definition of it differs from the ones mentioned by the bloggers mentioned. I mean…what’s the deal with chivalry huh? I am rather flattered that a man choses to hold the door open for me or that he has the decency to offer to pay the restaurant bill while taking me out. I don’t judge myself on my capacity to open doors or carry heavy boxes. Whoever said that when a man offers to carry a woman’s boxes or shopping bags, he does it because he doesn’t believe her to capable of doing so herself? I am a woman and I find it very considerate and courteous when a man apologizes for using swear words in front of me. Indeed, I would take great offense if a man were to use the f-word to me in any context, unless he was a very close friend of mine. I frankly do not see why these women are so outraged about chivalry and understand even less how holding a door open for someone would amount to infantilizing.

This attitude strikes me as wrong on so many levels. One, these women mistakenly assume that every man looks at a woman as nothing but an object (of desire, love, hate, protection et al.). I beg to differ. There are men who firmly believe that women are individuals in their own right and yet, will wait to hold the door open for them, will offer to carry their boxes, will pay the bill on a first date and will stand by her in a fight, come what may. I personally know at least two such men, for whom chivalry simply equals manners. It has nothing to do with dehumanizing, infantilizing or patronizing women.

Second, these women appear to feel the inexplicable need for proving they are good every single time. I don’t lose anything by admitting that I need help carrying heavy boxes. And no, I certainly will not take offense to being offered help for it. In fact, dating a man who refuses to carry my shopping bags or makes me carry all the heavy stuff while walking empty-handed is a rather huge turn-off! No modern-day feminism for me: thank you very much!

That brings me to my final point. Taking offense to every damned thing a man does for a woman and calling it sexist is certainly not the brand of feminism I believe in. Feminism is about equality of opportunity. It is about not being made to feel like a second-class citizen because of my gender. It is being given the same my brother would be and not being denied something just because I am a girl.

So, my appeal to all those trigger-happy feminists out there would be this. Could you please stop taking offense to every damn thing a man may or may not do? And in the meantime, let me enjoy the little pleasures of life…including allowing a man to hold my door open and carry my boxes. I don’t fancy doing all the hard work myself!!

I finally watched the much-celebrated Gautham Menon film, Vinnaithandi Varuvaaya on Tuesday. Cinematically, there were things that worked, and did not worked, like with every film I watch. But personally, the film tends to get boring and drags interminably at times. Mine is not an exhaustive review. They are simply jottings of how I felt when I watched the movie.

What worked…

Flashes of brilliance in story-telling: the only fight sequence where our man comes across as truly angry and normal, the scene in the Central Park where Simbu and Trisha meet after a three year gap. Simbu’s acting: for a change it is real. No overacting, no unnecessary mannerisms and best of all, he looks amazingly good! I am no fan of Simbu but he completely bowled me over in this film. This just goes to prove that at the hands of a capable director anyone can be a good actor. The family is normal: father as strict but loving, mom as non-interfering but concerned, sister warning him this will not work but still not wanting to refuse help. It’s so real that you feel like this is home. And finally, AR Rahman’s awesome soundtrack. So much better than the much-praised Rahman of Jai Ho!

What did not work…

The sheer number of songs breaks the rhythm and flow of the plot. Somehow they seem to be hampering the progress of the story. Trisha is plastic. I mean…really plastic! It’s one thing to be restrained, but quite another to look like a doll throughout the movie. The supposedly-enigmatic Mona Lisa smile is far from enigmatic: just infuriating. At one point, when Simbu asks, “There are so many women in the world. Why Jessie?” you seriously consider the question and look for an answer. Also, there seems to be a major flaw in Jessie’s character. She doesn’t know what she wants. She asks him to come and fetch her one day…and two days later decides she doesn’t want him anymore. One can be headstrong, convinced and still be indecisive. Jessie, on the other hand, comes across as completely confused. She wants him but is scared to ask her father, knowing fully well that he will never agree. After a while she decides to get into the relationship, only to back out a short while later. On the whole, she is confusing!

The bottomline: Good to watch once. But beyond that, if you want to watch a coherent love story, this is not it. It is very messy, very down-to-earth and very real. And it does tug at your heartstrings at times. If only rarely!

Just when I am struggling to write two sentences coherently, this tag from Titaxy came as a blessing in disguise. I am taking up this tag voluntarily. I don’t know if I will be able to answer each of the questions honestly, but let me try! So…here we go!

LAST

1. Last beverage: Coffee
2. Last phone call: DS
3. Last text message: Sriram
4. Last song you listened to: Can’t remember…but I think it was something from VTV
5. Last time you cried: Friday, February 26, 2010…don’t ask me why!

HAVE YOU EVER

6. Dated someone twice? No way!
7. Been cheated on? Hmmm…
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Nope!
9. Lost someone special? Nandini
10. Been depressed? Of course…much more than was ever required I think.
11. Been drunk and thrown up? Nope! Seriously…no!
12. Kissed a stranger? No ways!
13. Lost glasses/contacts? No.
14. Had sex on first date? Are you crazy?
15. Broken someone’s heart? Yes…I suppose…
16. Had your own heart broken? Yes…what goes around, comes around!
17. Been arrested? Not yet! Thank god for small mercies.
18. Turned someone down? Yes.
19. Cried when someone died? Of course. Nandini again.
20. Liked a friend that is a girl? No.

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU

21. Made new friends? Plenty…some very close ones.
22. Fallen out of love? Yes
23. Laughed until you cried? Many times.
24. Met someone who changed you? Yes. One. No…make that two!
25. Found out who your true friends were? Yes. Finally!
26. Found out someone was talking about you? Yes. But, you think I care a damn?

WHAT’S YOUR

27. Name: Amrutha
28. Nicknames: Ammu (Ugh!! But yeah! It’s an oft-used nickname) and Varsha
29. Relationship status: Isn’t that obvious? Single of course!
30. Zodiac sign: Libra. A true-blue one.
31. Male or female or transgendered: Again obvious I thought. Female!
32. Elementary: Why now?? It’s over…!
33. School: Same as above…
34. Colleges: WCC, Sciences Po, Madras Unviersity…hopefully Fletcher or Columbia next! Anyone willing to sponsor my PhD??
35. Hair color: Black
36. Long or short: Wish it were longer.
37. Height: Tall…very tall. 5’9″

FIRSTS

38. First surgery: None to date.
39. First piercing: As a 4 month-old I think. I was too small to remember.
40. First best friend: Meghna Nair. Does anyone know where she is today?
41. First sport you loved: Tennis.
42. First pet: None
43. First vacation: You expect me to remember that?
44. First concert: Euphoria at Sarang. I can’t remember if it was 2000 or 2001.

RIGHT NOW

45. Eating: Nothing
46. Drinking: Nothing
47. I’m about to: Go for a break!
48. Listening to: People discussing Oracle all around me! Not very interesting mind you!
49. Waiting for: Interesting news from somewhere…anywhere…am bored!

YOUR FUTURE

50. Want kids? Of course!
51. Want to get married? Since I don’t exactly fancy being a single mom, the answer would be yes!
52. Careers in mind? Yeah…of course! But depending on my mood, it goes from full-time chef to part-time mom…

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

53. Lips or eyes: In a man…eyes I suppose!
54. Hugs or kisses: Both please….! But, if I have to choose, kisses!
55. Shorter or taller: At least as tall as me. Taller if possible.
56. Older or younger: My age…or older…younger men are too immature for me to handle!
57. Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneously romantic. But yeah…spontaneity wins any day!
58. Nice stomach or nice arms: Ahem….dunno! Will let you know when I find out. My guess is…arms.
59. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.
60. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.
61. Trouble maker or hesitant: What’s the fun with a hesitant guy? Trouble-maker of course!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

62. Yourself: Of course. I am the only thing I have.
63. Miracles: Yes.
64. Love at first sight: No. Attraction maybe, but not love.
65. Heaven: Yes. Of course.
66. Santa Claus: Where are my gifts if he exists?
67. Kiss on the first date: Nope
68. Angels: Yes…otherwise there would never be happiness in the world.

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS

69. Red
70. Black
71. White
72. Peacock blue

…

73. Have you kissed anyone on your friends list? Nope!
74. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? A good 99%. Mebbe one or two people I’ve never met.
75. How many kids do you want to have? I honestly don’t know. One at least.
76. Do you have any pets? No.
77. Do you want to change your name? Why on earth?
78. What did you do for your last birthday? Spent time with family.
79. What time did you wake up today? 7.10
80. What were you doing at midnight last night? Talking on phone.
81. Name something you CANNOT wait for? A vacation. NOW!!
82. Last time you saw your father? This morning around 8.30
83. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? Nothing. My life may not be perfect but each decision, each blunder, each turn has been a lesson. I have learnt more from mistakes than I could ever learn from success.
84. Most visited webpage: Google
85. Do you have a crush on someone? Right now…yes.
86. Ever been in love? Of course!
87. Piercings? Ears, nostril.
88. Tattoos? Yuck! No.
89. Righty or lefty: Righty
90. On Internet since: 2000 I think.
91. Video game: I don’t play much. But when I do, it’s Age of Empires.
92. When left alone: I read, listen to music, blog.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

93. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes.
94. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? One is bad enough. Why more than that?
95. Wanted to kill some one ever? Yes. Many times, many people.
96. Among you blog mates, who would you like to kiss? None.
97. Committed a blunder and regretted later? Yes.
98. Wanted to steal you friend’s boyfriend / girlfriend? Not yet!
99. Wanted to run away from your loved ones in anger, because they didn’t listen? Nope!
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? Yes.

…are complicated. By their very nature, relationships are complicated business. Of late, I have read many posts about domestic violence, complications in relationship and related stuff. I don’t know if I want to submit my entries for any kind of contest, mainly because I can’t frame my writing to such rules. But write, I will. I can’t speak of domestic violence or rape or anything else. Much has been said and written, and there is really nothing left to say. But, one thing that does make me think and reflect is psychological abuse.

Just how much is too much? I would say that every person who loves another is possessive to a certain extent. I am too. I would also get jealous if my husband or boyfriend got too close to another woman. I have. But, where do we draw the line?

I remember a conversation I had with D sometime back. Leisurely sipping a cup of coffee in the cafeteria, he said, “Have you ever thought of possessiveness as a form of love?” I protested, vehemently. One who loved could never distrust his partner enough to be jealous, I argued. No, he said. You are mistaken. The more attached you are emotionally, the more possessive you get, he said. This statement came with a disclaimer though. Not that possessiveness is a good thing; it is not. But, trust me, he said, it’s natural.

This argument continued for days, pausing every once in a while to wonder where we must draw the line between possessiveness and controlling. I still have no answers. But, to me love is all-accepting, and tolerant. When one partner becomes controlling, manipulative and irrational, it starts bordering on psychological abuse.

Domestic violence does not have to be physical. While hitting, slapping and marital rape are the most obvious and extreme forms of abuse, psychological abuse is much harder to detect and much more damaging in the long run. When a person refuses to express his/her deepest fears, most intimate desires and most important confusions to the one they are sharing their life with fear of rejection, criticism or abandonment, it could classify as psychological abuse. Trust me when I say that it takes very long to get out of that mind-set and learn to speak freely.

If you find yourself hiding things because you fear reprisal, fights, criticism, name-calling or abandonment, then you are in an abusive relationship. If you find yourself branded as a slut, a whore or as characterless because you happen to disagree with what your partner says and have many friends of the opposite sex, you most probably will be abused physically as well later. There is only one way out of this mess. Leave when you still have the time. Otherwise, it might be too late.

It’s been one of my longest blogging breaks to date. Not that I am proud of it, but for some reason, I find myself unable to sit down and pen my thoughts with any degree of coherence. Don’t ask me why. I have no idea. But there are some random thoughts floating around in my head that I am trying extremely hard to verbalise.

First things first, what’s this hype about Valentine’s Day? Practically everyone I knew asked me what I did for V-day and practically nobody believed me when I said I went to a temple with family! I mean, what the hell? Why can’t I not go out with someone, just because it’s Valentine’s Day? The same people who are perfectly willing to accept that I am single on the 364 other days of the year, are unwilling to believe exactly the same story on V-Day? And people say I am a cynic! Sigh!!

Then…reactions to my previous blogpost. No, I don’t really want to start a school to teach men anything at all. Personally, I can’t be bothered. I leave the teaching to the mummies. And that was supposed to be a bloody joke!! Someone actually linked to me (no, I refuse to link him back) stating that the worst advertisement for feminism is a feminist! Guys!! Where is your sense of humour? Maybe I should just take sanyas and go away to the Himalayas to meditate!

Finally, I moved my backside to change my blog template. The current one looks (I hope) a bit more colourful and cheerful than the black and white one I had previously. I changed it after lots of people, from both the real world and the virtual told me my template did not go well with the title of my blog. Apparently, the template was too dull. So, here it is…my new template! Do leave a comment on what you think about it!

And now, is time to shut up and publish. Enough incoherence already! Until next time….so long!!

Yeah…you read that right. There is a school in Madhya Pradesh that teaches women to be good. And pray, what do we mean by good? It teaches them to be submissive wives, obedient daughters-in-law and ideal bharatiya naris. While we are at it, could someone please start a school that teaches men to pick up after themselves, help their wives in cooking and cleaning and be polite with their mothers and sisters? And yeah, maybe it could also teach men that they are now adults and quite capable of fetching that cup of coffee or making the bed they slept on.

This school teaches women bharatiya sanskar, a.k.a touching husband’s/random in-laws’ feet, “serving husband and winning laurels”, and “adjusting” to their new home. Right! Very essential, I agree. Could we also have a school that teaches mothers-in-law to stop pampering their darling sons and dissing their daughters-in-law no matter how good she is? And also teach the husband that his wife’s family is now his too? Wait…what else does this school do? It teaches women religious scriptures, naturopathy and domestic chores. I wouldn’t mind having a husband who knows his religion, naturopathy and cooking either. Anyone up for designing such a course for men? Drop me a line please!

Actually, I love the idea! I think I am going to make out a project proposal for such a school and try and get sponsorship from a willing soul. Anyone out there who can help? Please contact me!!

…but does that mean I must not express my views, criticize the media or cry foul over its dirty games? If we were to go by what Mr. Vir Sanghvi, Editorial Director of Hindustan Times says, I am one of those “pseudonymous bloggers”, who sits in a darkened room in my ivory tower and disses all that the mainstream media does and says. He says I am part of a “blogging elite”. Well, let’s not discuss either the “pseudonymous” or the “elite” bit, but I certainly am a blogger. Even assuming I sit in a darkened room in my ivory tower and criticize, what’s wrong with that? Don’t you have armchair critics all over the world? Before I go on, check out these brilliant rebuttals by Amit Varma, Rohit, Patrix and Lekhni. Each of them has fisked, very effectively, Sanghvi’s pointless and rather incoherent rant against bloggers and tweeters. Oh yeah! Forgot to mention here that he’s done this in the form of a blogpost rather than on a column in his newspaper!!

In dissing bloggers and tweeters and categorizing them all as elitist and out of touch with reality, Sanghvi conveniently sidesteps one major issue. What exactly is the role of the traditional media? Playing to the galleries and ensuring maximum TRPs? He painstakingly explains how TRPs and circulation are calculated and says programmes with maximum TRPs on television are the ones having maximum viewership. Right! I agree. But since when did the media start pandering to the will of the majority? Isn’t it the very same media that dissects election results and criticizes the decision of the majority? And even assuming that the traditional media reflects the sentiments of the majority, is that its real role? I thought the role of the media was to shape public opinion. Oh! I beg your pardon! I never realized that somewhere along the way, news channels became entertainment channels and newspapers tabloids a long time ago.

No Mr. Sanghvi. In criticizing the traditional media, I do not, as Lekhni so rightly puts it, claim to represent anyone but myself. Anything I say in my blog, is my opinion. Others are free to agree or disagree with what I have to say. I run this blog, I pay for it and I maintain it. Unlike HT or other major newspapers, I do not claim to be the most popular, the most intelligent or the most widely-read blogger in history. I leave calculating TRPs and readership to the likes of Mr. Sanghvi. I have better things to do with my life, especially since my livelihood doesn’t depend on how many people read my blog.

Finally, in the unlikely event that you are reading this, Mr. Sanghvi, let me tell you this. I care a damn about octogenarian N D Tiwari’s sex life. Nor do I care about Mika kissing Rakhi Sawant or wild speculations about Arushi Talwar’s murder. I am concerned even less about whether Michael Douglas uses Viagra (yes…it figures on HT’s homepage today!). If your newspaper can give me real news, it’s fine. Otherwise, there’s always Google News! Clean up your stables before dissing us Mr. Sanghvi. That’s all I ask!

I don’t know where to start if I must answer this question. But, wait a minute? Why am I even asking myself this? Mainly because I read this post, and it triggered off a whole range of emotions and thoughts. Goofy Mumma wants to know if I would approach a well-known blogger in public. I don’t know. But, would I mind being approached? Certainly not. Goofy Mumma, like many other popular bloggers I regularly read, blogs anonymously. I certainly wouldn’t be able to recognize someone I have not seen in person. But, my thoughts at this point are somewhat different. When I started this blog, I had a choice: to choose an interesting pseudonym, or to blog under my own real name. Strangely, I never realized I had this choice in the first place until my blog had accumulated a fair number of readers, and until I started following popular bloggers, many of whom chose to remain anonymous.

Sometimes, I wish I had reflected a bit more before jumping into the fray. There have been times when I have felt like giving up blogging altogether. I have been slandered, called un-religious, characterless, and many other things for speaking my mind. I have been bogged down by these comments, felt like quitting. The fact that my parents and relatives, in addition to my Facebook friends and friends elsewhere read my blog makes it worse. There is always this nagging feeling that I am going to be judged on what I say by someone I know. Sometimes, I wonder why I chose to blog under my real name. Sometimes I feel I should just take down everything that I have written because it reveals too much of me to complete strangers. But then, I stop myself before it’s too late. I stop myself because I stand by every word I have ever written. Each word reflects a part of me, my opinions, my feelings and my reactions at a given point. Maybe being so open is a problem. This society refuses to acknowledge or accept that a woman can have such strong opinions or speak her mind about things as sensitive. But I would rather face censure for what I have to say on my blog than have to hide and lead an existence of hypocrisy. I’d much rather reveal myself to the world and be what I want to be, than pretend to be someone I am not, just to make someone else happy. Am I wrong? Am I being foolishly outspoken? Only time will tell.